My blog is now located at pinkcupcakeweddings.blogspot.com. Come check it out!
So it has been a while since I last posted and I don’t even want to read my last blog. I was in a very negative mental place then, but I feel like I am doing much better now. Rather than focusing on my own wedding, which could happen next summer or in ten years for all I know at this point, I am putting my energy into other people’s weddings. And when I’m done helping out, I’m going to write about it. I’m also going to fill you in on all the amazing tips and tricks I pick up while working on all these weddings.
I posted an ad on craigslist and have had a few hits, but nothing definite yet. My main goal at this point is to get some experience with day of coordinating. As a former stage manager, this is right up my alley. Keeping people on schedule, handling snafoos (is that a real word?) and dealing with high emotions? Done and done. Anyone who can deal with actors can work with a bride no problem. (No offense, actors.)
As any girly girl knows, the most important part of building a business is the accessories. My business card is in the process of being designed (thanks Sam!), I have my pretty pink organizer ready to go and my email inbox is waiting for shout outs. And the perfect name for this budding business? All of my favorite things combined: Pink Cupcake Weddings.
Hopefully I will get some real weddings soon. If you know any brides in need, send them my way, I would be happy to help! Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org!
I am most definitely not looking forward to writing this blog, but I also don’t want to leave anyone hanging about what is going on and why I am not posting.
As of Friday night, I was extremely excited. We had a three day weekend, I got to go to the Magic Castle and I had a trip to Disneyland planned for the very next day. To make things even better, when I asked Matt about his plans for the following day (I had planned a girls’ Disneyland day with Sam) he told me he had a “very important errand to run.” He then told me he was going to be spending the night in Fullerton Saturday because he had “a very important announcement” for the guys.
Obviously to me and in our situation that only means one thing. I got in the car Saturday and told Sam it seemed likely I would have a ring on my finger by the end of the weekend. Matt would never dangle a carrot that big and then snatch it away, right?
Sunday we went to the Dodgers/Giants game and for the first time in a long time, we saw the Kiss Cam. We go to enough games to know that the Kiss Cam means only one thing: someone is going to propose. Now despite the fact that I have vehemently stated how much I HATE stadium proposals (for me– super cute for others), I figure this might be it. I mean, I have said so many times that it’s not for me, that maybe Matt figures this is the only way to catch me off guard.
Someone did get engaged on Sunday, but it definitely wasn’t us.
After the game, we went to a local wine bar and had a few glasses. I honestly couldn’t tell you who brought the subject up this time, but somehow it came out that Matt didn’t get to his oh so important errand because he “was really busy watching football.”
Wow. Talk about a slap in the face. I was crushed. I still am a little crushed to tell you the truth. I don’t understand why he would say something so misleading if he had no intention of truly following through? Did he really not know how I would interpret his “important errand” comment?
We got home and I just went to bed and crashed. I’m not sure he has ever really made me feel that way before.
As I am not very good at hiding my feelings, especially when I am upset, Matt asked me first thing in the morning what was bothering me. I told him and we talked and he basically told me to lay off and keep “having faith in him.”
Here’s my issue. I have never ever pretended like I am not crazy about this wedding stuff. I have put out into cyberspace my knowledge of the pressure I have put on him. I know that there are lots of things I could have done differently to change this situation. The difference between the two of us is that I know what I am doing and I admit to it. He doesn’t seem to feel like he is at fault here. As if any misleading he has done is the result of my own behavior.
We sat down together almost a month ago and set a wedding date. We sat down together and created our guest list. We agreed that we wanted to get married next summer. We talked together about possible venues for our wedding. There is no I in those decisions. Would Matt have brought it up if I hadn’t? Probably not. But he was an equal part of those discussions and those decisions.
So what I am still having trouble grasping is why he would continue to make commitments and comments that he wasn’t going to stand by. He knows how important this is to me, and yet he still continues to tease, torment and taunt me about it.
The bottom line is that we can say we’re going to get married next summer a million times over, but until he proposes (and I would like to say I don’t necessarily need a ring, I just need him to ask) nothing is going to be real. How can I (or my mom) put down a deposit on a venue if he hasn’t asked the question? How can I continue to invest my time and funds into a wedding I don’t know is going to happen?
I can’t and I won’t.
Matt told me not to worry. I can stop planning if I want to and he will take care of everything. He will stop talking about it and won’t give me any more hints. The problem is, I’ve heard all of that before.
So I’m tapping out. I’m not doing this to myself anymore. I’m not going to be the only one putting in the effort. I’m not going to plan a great wedding for both of us if I’m the only one taking it seriously.
He can do what he wants.
Since there is not a whole lot to report this week as far as wedding plans go (still no ring, so still no official plans), I’m going to spend this week talking about another project I am working on…me.
Every bride has the dream of looking absolutely perfect on her wedding day. And for most brides, that means making some change to themselves. Whiter teeth, tanner skin, and typically, a fitter body. If I were just ten or twenty or thirty pounds thinner, then my dress would look perfect.
I am no exception in this category of wedding planning. Only, this is something I have struggled with most of my adult life. It seems like I have gained and lost the same thirty pounds constantly over the last few years. When I have the motivation, I can lose weight very quickly. I am disciplined and stay on track. But once that tangible motivation is gone, so is my discipline and I am back to eating (and drinking) like a frat boy.
Obviously there is no better motivation than a wedding (and ensuing tropical honeymoon). So I’m back in the dieting saddle again. I ordered this Six Week Body Makeover program which “guarantees” thirty pounds lost in six weeks. I don’t really buy that, but the actual plan did make a lot of sense so I went ahead and ordered it. According to the plan, my body type gains and loses easily (true) and holds onto muscle even under fat (also true). To work with my body, I should eat only lean protein, fruit, veggies and a small amount of carbs.
I know, I know, this seems like common sense, doesn’t it? And while I am totally on board with what I can eat, it’s what I can’t that’s killing me. No bread, no pasta, no coffee, no chocolate, no ice cream, no cheese and no booze. As Matt said when I relayed this info to him, “What the hell are you going to eat?”
Today marks the end of week one on the program, and here’s what I’ve been eating: egg white and fruit smoothies for breakfast, chicken and rice and carrots for lunch, and chicken or shrimp and rice and a veggie for dinner. Not bad, but certainly not all that appetizing.
I was about to call it all off yesterday, sitting at happy hour while everyone else sipped margaritas and munched on chips and salsa and I drank water, but when I stepped on the scale this morning, I was glad I didn’t. I lost six pounds! Yay me!
Now, I know this is not a long term solution, but I figure this six week plan will give me a nice jumpstart and then I can get back to regular (but healthy) eating patterns. I will do my best to hang on for another five weeks. I know it is going to be difficult, but I try to keep picturing trying on wedding dresses.
But I am most definitely counting down the days until this six weeks is over. Because anyone who knows me knows I am not living the rest of my life without ice cream.
I’m sure this won’t come as a shock to anyone who has ever planned a wedding before, but this is a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. There are so many places and details and restrictions and costs. It’s a little bit overwhelming.
But we have a (hypothetical) venue, a (hypothetical) caterer, and a (preliminary) guest list. And we have a for sure (for now) wedding date. All of the things those wedding magazines tell you to pick first. Of course, nothing can become official until the official engagement, which we are obviously still waiting for.
And Matt is having lots of fun making me wait. And if he were to say anything different, well, he would be lying. Last night we were at the Dodger game and something on the screen came up with the letter D. Nothing even remotely wedding related. Just the letter D. So Matt launches into an explanation about the rating system for diamond clarity (apparently D is the highest and anything lower than M is not good…yeah, I didn’t even know that). Obviously this boy has been doing his diamond research. And obviously I still have not seen the fruit of his labors. And obviously, he is enjoying making me wait and taunting me while he’s at it.
But anyway. It’s been a lot of fun getting on with the actual wedding planning, even if it has been stressful. Finding a venue was definitely the hardest part. Southern California is full of tons of wedding venues, all different sizes and budgets and restrictions. And it was the restrictions I really couldn’t handle. I hate the idea of choosing a venue, and then having to use the vendors associated with that venue. I am much too much of a control freak (no, really?) to have someone tell me I have to have a certain caterer or florist. Plus, I have my heart set on a mostly DIY wedding, and most venues don’t lend themselves to that.
I think I did find the perfect place, the problem is that I haven’t seen it in person yet. I don’t want to go check out the venue in person until I have an official engagement (I’m hung up on official today). Hopefully when I do get to see the space it will be everything I envision it to be. (By the way, I will post pics once the details are decided and nailed down :).) It’s once of the few places I found that allows you to bring in everything of your own. Which I love!
Now that I have some of the more boring details planned out (not that anything about wedding planning is boring per se), I am spending a lot more time thinking about the little details. MarthaStewartWeddings.com is my new best friend and so far I have lots of good ideas about decorations and the extra touches that I want to have. I can’t wait to actually start some of the DIY projects, and write about my successes (and sure to be failures) along the way.
But once again, I don’t want to do anything…until it’s official.
Ahhhhhh. It’s been a crazy week. Mostly because school started again on Thursday. So it’s back to the mines, back to life as usual. Totally unrelated comment as far as this blog goes, but I always find it amusing how often we teachers complain about having to work (you know it’s true, teach). Like I literally think to myself sometimes “Aw man, we have to work FIVE days this week! Unbelievable!” to which every other person on the planet (except maybe my mom) responds “Oh, poor baby! Five whole days!” I looked at the calendar yesterday and was very upset to see that we don’t have a day off for TWO weeks! Sigh.
Anyway, one bad thing about going back to school (besides the obvious) is all the free time I spend in front of my computer. Before school, at brunch, during lunch, on my prep, waiting for traffic to clear out after school. Of course, it won’t be long before that time is spent grading essays, but for now, I find myself using that time to look at websites. What kind of wesbites, you ask?
Have you met me?
I spend my time on greenweddingshoes.com, and the Knot and Here Comes the Guide and doing random searches for cool wedding locations. It’s a little ridiculous. Okay…maybe it’s a lot ridiculous.
Up until this morning, nothing had changed. I was being patient (well, patient for me anyway) and leaving it up to Matt. And despite one small tiff earlier in the week, things have been going well. So of course I had to push the subject, just a little.
In the past, whenever I said something like “So I guess the next summer wedding just isn’t going to happen, huh?” Matt hasn’t really said much. He never came right out and said “Nope, not happening,” but he never said “No way! It’s totally on!” either. In fact, he usually responds much like his does to all these wedding related (unless we’re talking about the open bar): indifference.
I don’t handle indifference well. One way or another (and by that I mean my way), I want an answer. So today, I was straight up.
Me: I don’t want this to be an emotional conversation. But I want to know what you think. Is next summer totally out of the question?
Him: No, I wouldn’t say it’s out of the question.
Me: Would you say it’s probable? Because if it is, there are some things I need to be working on and planning. You can take your time doing your thing, but I just wanted to be prepared. But I don’t want to plan if it’s a total non option because then I’m going to end up disappointed.
Him: I think it would be okay if you start planning.
There was also a comment from him during that convo that went something like “Look, I would have done it already but we just got paid and so I didn’t have any money.” Really? Where is the romance there, Mr. I-Will-Surprise-You-If-It-Kills-Me?
I’m going to trust that at this point he wouldn’t say something like that if he didn’t have the plan to follow through. Because he knows if we go through that again, there may be some blood shed. And it won’t be mine.
So now this blog is going to get fun! Bring on the venue search and the food tastings (and wine tastings!) and the color schemes. For those of you who talk to me on a daily basis, I’m going to apologize in advance. I will try to keep in mind that you are all (you better be!) reading this blog on a regular basis and I will do my best to keep the flower/dress/invitation talk to a minimum.
But no promises 🙂
It has been a while since my last post. Once school is back in session I will be a little more active in my posts, promise. Unless anyone of authority from school is reading this, and then I would never ever dream of writing for fun during work hours.
So it’s been almost two weeks since Matt and I had our big leave it alone and be patient wedding talk. In wannabe bride time, that’s like at least three months. I have been really good and haven’t been pestering him at all. I’ve hardly even brought up the W word. However, Matt has not shied away from discussing the subject at length.
First, at our friends’ So Cal Wedding Reception (they got married in Buffalo), the topic of wedding table names came up. Alyssa (engaged and getting married next July), was saying how she thought about naming her tables after Dodgers players. I said we should have a Dodger Stadium table since that’s where we had our first date. Matt is a huge Giants fan (really his only flaw) and he responds with “I won’t propose until you agree to have nothing Dodger related at our wedding.”
A few days ago, Kristen and I went with our friend Lisa (engaged and getting married next June) to the fabric district to look for material for her tablecloths. Later I tell Matt that we talked about going over to the jewelry district and he responds “Oh yeah, the jewelry district. Joe told me to go there because they have so many rings, but I don’t know if I want to deal with all the haggling and craziness.”
Ugh. I’m trying so hard to be good. So hard. And this ring convo came after we had decided to not talk about weddings at all anymore. So much for that.
So I have decided something (to myself only). If we aren’t engaged by the end of this month, then the wedding isn’t going to happen next summer. It just would be so much to deal with and not a lot of time to get it done. And it seems like the engagement is definitely not happening anytime this month. We go back to work on Tuesday, students come back on Thursday and then we are back to life as normal.
And the truly annoying thing is I will have to suffer multiple interrogations about our engagement status upon returning to school, but no one will bother asking Matt. Which really is ridiculous since he is the one in control. God I hate saying that.
Sigh. Sorry, there is nothing really amusing about this post. Just more whining and complaining. I will try to be in a better mood next time I write. The good news is that since I am writing all this here, I don’t have to say anything to Matt. So in his eyes at least, I am still as patient as a saint :).