On hold

8 Sep

I am most definitely not looking forward to writing this blog, but I also don’t want to leave anyone hanging about what is going on and why I am not posting.

As of Friday night, I was extremely excited.  We had a three day weekend, I got to go to the Magic Castle and I had a trip to Disneyland planned for the very next day.  To make things even better, when I asked Matt about his plans for the following day (I had planned a girls’ Disneyland day with Sam) he told me he had a “very important errand to run.”  He then told me he was going to be spending the night in Fullerton Saturday because he had “a very important announcement” for the guys.

Obviously to me and in our situation that only means one thing.  I got in the car Saturday and told Sam it seemed likely I would have a ring on my finger by the end of the weekend.  Matt would never dangle a carrot that big and then snatch it away, right?

Sunday we went to the Dodgers/Giants game and for the first time in a long time, we saw the Kiss Cam.  We go to enough games to know that the Kiss Cam means only one thing: someone is going to propose.  Now despite the fact that I have vehemently stated how much I HATE stadium proposals (for me– super cute for others), I figure this might be it.  I mean, I have said so many times that it’s not for me, that maybe Matt figures this is the only way to catch me off guard.

Someone did get engaged on Sunday, but it definitely wasn’t us.

After the game, we went to a local wine bar and had a few glasses.  I honestly couldn’t tell you who brought the subject up this time, but somehow it came out that Matt didn’t get to his oh so important errand because he “was really busy watching football.”

Wow.  Talk about a slap in the face.  I was crushed.  I still am a little crushed to tell you the truth.  I don’t understand why he would say something so misleading if he had no intention of truly following through?  Did he really not know how I would interpret his “important errand” comment?

We got home and I just went to bed and crashed.  I’m not sure he has ever really made me feel that way before.

As I am not very good at hiding my feelings, especially when I am upset, Matt asked me first thing in the morning what was bothering me.  I told him and we talked and he basically told me to lay off and keep “having faith in him.”

Here’s my issue.  I have never ever pretended like I am not crazy about this wedding stuff.  I have put out into cyberspace my knowledge of the pressure I have put on him.  I know that there are lots of things I could have done differently to change this situation.  The difference between the two of us is that I know what I am doing and I admit to it.  He doesn’t seem to feel like he is at fault here.  As if any misleading he has done is the result of my own behavior.

We sat down together almost a month ago and set a wedding date.  We sat down together and created our guest list.  We agreed that we wanted to get married next summer.  We talked together about possible venues for our wedding.  There is no I in those decisions.  Would Matt have brought it up if I hadn’t?  Probably not.  But he was an equal part of those discussions and those decisions.

So what I am still having trouble grasping is why he would continue to make commitments and comments that he wasn’t going to stand by.  He knows how important this is to me, and yet he still continues to tease, torment and taunt me about it.

The bottom line is that we can say we’re going to get married next summer a million times over, but until he proposes (and I would like to say I don’t necessarily need a ring, I just need him to ask) nothing is going to be real.  How can I (or my mom) put down a deposit on a venue if he hasn’t asked the question?  How can I continue to invest my time and funds into a wedding I don’t know is going to happen?

I can’t and I won’t.

Matt told me not to worry.  I can stop planning if I want to and he will take care of everything.  He will stop talking about it and won’t give me any more hints.  The problem is, I’ve heard all of that before.

So I’m tapping out.  I’m not doing this to myself anymore.  I’m not going to be the only one putting in the effort.  I’m not going to plan a great wedding for both of us if I’m the only one taking it seriously.

He can do what he wants.

I’m out.


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